Personal Hell(s).

I watched this video and found myself actually tearing up.  I’m That person who is chilling in her seat while everyone else is boohooing: movies, dead cats, you name it.  But as I watched this little boy act out taking his life, and I watched the character portraying the Lord come and place his feet back on solid ground to save his life and hug him, my face did that ugly thing it does when you’re all choked up and tears are coming out and your throat is constricting.  Not that pretty cry face either.  You know that face I’m talking about.  I started to think about my own testimony in that area, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude that my story didn’t end with a funeral in my honor.

I had no intention to write this blog post. But I saw that video and I said, this is powerful.  Suicide, self-mutilation, bulimia–etc.  All those things we do to ourselves that are harmful, and we think we’re doing it for our good. Some of us do those things, because we think we’re relieving our pain.  So: let’s talk about all that.

The root of all evil is Satan.  Satan, the devil, the enemy–all that jazz.  After trying to exalt himself above God, waging war in heaven, and being defeated, he was cast out of heaven with all of the angels who went along with his plan.  Demons (unclean spirits, etc)  are also servants to the enemy.  Everything good is from God; God is love.  Everything bad–especially everything of torment, is of the devil. 

When you are dealing with depression, self-mutilation, eating disorders and the like, it is so, so important to understand that in addition to the psychological/emotional/cognitive distress, you are also dealing with an oppressive, unclean spirit–it’s not God tormenting you, and it’s not just you.  It’s not that you suck.  It’s not that you’re not beautiful enough, or smart enough, or that if you had enough money this never would have happened. 

When I was depressed, I was literally in torment.  I would stare in the mirror crying about how lost I felt, how weak I was, how pitiful I was.  I was so down about everything in my life.  I couldn’t shake the hopelessness, the crushing sadness, and the self-hatred.  It would not leave me alone. In a weird way, I wanted it to go, but I also just remained in it, as if I was stuck there had just accepted it. I was being tormented!  So, in my own way, I get what some of you may be going through.

Now, don’t take this opportunity to point a disappointed and waggling finger at God.  Everything was already known by Him.  Everything was already in order.  He knew I would struggle as long as I did, because He knew me.  And He knew I could not be fully delivered until I let it go, surrendered it to Him FULLY, and renounced it for what it was. I’d done so much therapy, said many prayers and cried many nights and fasted and all that, but I had not done everything that needed to be done. Because of that, I was not experiencing full and consistent deliverance.  But God is so, so, SO good yall, that He covered me with such grace during my time of wrestling and struggling.  I’m telling you:  there is nothing like the grace and tender mercy of God. 

He gave me people who never got tired of my needing to talk about all of my problems (and I am seriously longwinded).  He gave me opportunities to further inspire me to actually want the change He longed for me to have, He sustained me when I was wiping tears with snotty hands and blowing my nose with snotty tissues, and He put people in my life who knew Him better than I did and could speak hard truth into my life about what I was doing wrong and what I needed to change.

Listen.  I understand that some things take time.  But there are some battles that are prolonged (especially these kinds of battles), because we don’t get that what we’re dealing with is not just a disorder or a feeling.  When we don’t recognize the enemy and apply the word of God to every situation, we can end up not taking things as seriously as we should or not dealing with them in the way that will be the most effective at getting rid of the problem–not just living with it.

It’s my belief that the Lord Jesus Christ is actually, really, and truly REAL.  And that the way He died on the cross as all sin for us isn’t just a sweet story that Christians tell themselves to sleep better at night.  Sure, you grow up in the church or hear it enough and you can get so used to it that you lose your real connection to the depth of love, power, and passion that this message contains. 

But when you find yourself in your lowest of lows and you get hold of the Lord and the revelation of how much He cares for you, what He has done for you, and what that means in your  then Oh My Gosh does it become real. 

When you apply that sacrifice to your problems, reason things out, trust in the love, power, and authority of God for your deliverance and watch God really deliver you, you realize that this stuff is so, so real.

My life was hell for years.  If you’re reading this and you’re in the thick of your personal ‘hell’, I’m begging you to give the Lord an honest to God try.  He Will Not Let You Down.  Scripture tells us God is near to the broken hearted.  And He is constantly moved with compassion to help you. He Loves you so, so much. 

God is not a figment of the imagination. Even nature testifies to His existence. Do you really think evolution alone is the reason for all of the incredible complexity, specificity, purpose, and startling creativity that we see all around us? 

Let God help you wherever you are at.  Especially those of you dealing with the kinds of things we’re talking about in this post.  God is not sitting there looking at you shaking his head saying, I’m running out of patience. No!  His heart is breaking for you!  With every tear you cry, His heart is breaking for you.

He’s standing there and He’s ready, but He knows you gotta let Him in first.  You gotta give Him the go.  He’s not a dictator.  He’s a loving Father, a gentle teacher, and comforter.  You say you’ve tried Him already? Been there, done that?  Tell me about it!  I was wearing a strong face and a smile, but until I received my deliverance that is how I felt in my heart.  I realize looking back that I really didn’t give it my all. 

I tried to obey to get the reward , but it does not work that way. 

Thinking you don’t need Jesus and you can just try some affirmations or great tips and fix it on your own?  Tell me about it!  I tried that too.  

I was trying to cure myself, but it just never worked longterm.  It will not go away by your own strength. 

Really give the Lord a try and , and then tell me your testimony when it all goes down, because trust me: God will do it.

Share your story with us in the comments below.  It could really help someone.

Marie