DISCONTENTMENT-Am I the One Holding Myself Back?

Discontentment. (Noun). Unhappiness caused by the failure of one’s hopes, desires, or expectations: disappointment, discontent, disgruntlement, dissatisfaction, letdown, regret (The Free Dictionary, 2018).

Lately, In my mind, I’d been feeling the stirrings of ‘losing it’, of being ‘on the verge’, of losing my ‘right mind’, as they say.

Typically, I’m able to wait for a blessing in a sort of stillness-I may not be fully happy, but I’m also not altogether ‘bothered’. Recently, however, I began to experience short moments of discontented anxiety; a feeling that I was nearing the end of my rope and wouldn’t be able to take it much longer. As a person who has struggled with depression, suicidal ideation/attempts, and self-mutilation, I have to be very careful when I get into sad moods as those spirits constantly seek reentry through reminders of thoughts and urges I had in the past before the Lord completely healed me. I tend to still have to fight those thoughts from time to time, but those stirrings of strong anxiety and impressions to harm myself were something I had to take seriously. (Anxiety can often cause some people to act or behave impulsively and can be extremely dangerous when paired with depressed mood).

I reached out to a prayer warrior and fellow woman of God whom I trusted; we were able to talk about what was going on and pray (this is one of the most effective ways to handle a situation like such; pairing this with effective counseling is a game changer).

Later on, as I was listening to praise and worship music, I felt as though God gave me understanding about the situation: I was discontent. I was not realizing the type of spiritual fight I was in nor that I was under attack, and I was wearing thin. I had been losing the battle, and it was beginning to show in my life and emotions. (Spiritual attacks usually begin mentally. When you begin to see something show up in your life is typically not where that thing started, and now that it is ‘showing up’, the need to fight back viciously with the word of God, prayer, and/or counseling is paramount. The ‘showing up’ is an indication that the battlefront of your mind is being won over by the enemy)! Despite the different things I had available to me to serve God and add meaning, purpose, and activity to my life, I felt bored, unused, unseen, and clueless about what I was really doing as a result.

As I was listening to J. Moss sing We Must Praise, I heard the words, “With our gifts we exalt thee merciful, wonderful God. We must praise.” Whenever I hear this song (although I’ve heard it so many times), I often listen to the lyrics to listen for what gifts of mine I recognize and what examples of how to praise God J. Moss gives. When I heard the lines I listed above, I began to understand again that I bring my gifts in sacrifice to God as a form of praise–that I should seek to use all of my gifts, however way I can, to give God praise. I realized that this was something I had been doing, but halfheartedly as I yearned to do more and have a more exciting or ‘filled’ life. The life I had imagined for myself was not the life I was necessarily living. The lyrics to the song showed me that I was discontent with doing the things I was able to do in this season of my life to give God praise and exalt him. When we lose focus, appreciation, and satisfaction for praising God with our gifts, in whatever way we are able to exactly where we are right now, we breed discontentment within our hearts as impatience and self-absorption begin to fester.

My complaints before coming to this understanding were, ‘I feel like I have nothing to do! I do what I already am able to do, and then what?? I just don’t know what to do.” I felt like God was almost saying to me, exactly what you are doing now is exactly what I will always want you to do, is exactly what you always wanted to do, so why are you really unhappy? I began to see that it wasn’t that I had nothing of value to do, it was that I was no longer happy with the ‘regular’ ways that I was able to glorify God or add to His kingdom. (It’s possible to have a healthy level of discontentment with the status quo, but that’s not what I’m referring to in this post). I also realized that I felt restricted in being able to enjoy life as I pleased, and this was hampering my contentment with ‘just’ serving God–causing me to feel like I really had nothing to do besides ‘stuff at home’. This is a dangerous place to be, wandering away from a genuine love to serve God and serve His people with whatever we can, wherever we are in life.

Discontentment will pull you away from your joy and your strength; it will amplify dissatisfaction and the ‘negatives’ of whatever season you are in. Discontentment will convince you that ‘just God’ isn’t enough, ‘just serving’ isn’t enough. Watch out! God is first and most important than all else, able to sustain you in the lack of anything else, and serving is the very foundation of our lives as believers. If the enemy can get you distracted with discontentment and impatience for the ‘next level’, then he can get you ungrateful, unappreciative, and idle in the things of God–unwilling to either put forth the best effort with operating in your gifts for the glory of God in whatever way you can or unwilling to operate in your gifts for the glory of God at all. Discontentment can also begin to breed resentment and frustration towards God as you wonder why He is not elevating you more quickly or seemingly ‘not fulfilling’ His promises toward you.

God reminded me of how using my gifts (whether it be writing for Him, teaching for Him, proclaiming His word/will, etc.) is a demonstration of praise to Him, and that it is a beautiful thing–regardless of how little the demonstration might seem (like just a lil ole blog post) to do so. He reminded me that He desires for us to praise Him through the unconditional exercising of our gifts (despite life’s circumstances or how ‘limited’ we feel) and with an appreciative heart (understanding how much of a privilege it is to give back to God and His people what has been given to us by God Himself for Himself and His people). I had been halfheartedly serving God with my gifts: my work ethic was fraught with inconsistency and laziness–yet I was telling God I had ‘nothing to do’, and that I wanted to serve more deeply. How hypocritical! I was discontent and seeking a bit more sensationalism in my life–a bit more action, but as the bible says: he who is faithful over little will be faithful over many. How can you really expect that you can handle the more God has for you if you are unappreciative, slothful, and discontent with the little He has placed in your care now?

I think sometimes we have it very backwards: God is looking for us to be faithful over the little and content with the little first, before He knows He can trust us with the next level.

It is a lesson in humbling yourself before God so that He can exalt you in His perfect timing.

Do not deceive yourself into thinking that when you get to the next level then you will really work hard and be happy if you cannot press and put forth your best effort where you are now. Do not deceive yourself into thinking you can handle the busy schedule of the life filled with your dreams and manifested vision, if you are slow to handle your present obligations/your life is fraught with ‘procrastination’ and/or forgetfulness.

Discontentment can get you so off track, and I personally believe that sometimes it is the reason God has not promoted us–if you are still discontent with where God has you right now and not handling it effectively, you are most likely not ready for the next level and that's okay.

God will teach you how to have peace here even as He exalts you still.

Have you ever found yourself discontent in your life or with where God has placed you? Comment below!

Marie