What It’s All For...

Man...

I was creating a social media post, and I just realized like I used to be a MESS. A complete mess. The depression was so severe—it was just off the chain. The anxiety was debilitating. I had no peace. I had no stability. My mind was a war zone. I detested how fragile I felt inside and how broken I knew I was underneath the accolades and ‘high functioning’—underneath the pretty smiles and making people feel loved, comforted, heard and special, I felt lost.

I felt so fragmented and torn apart that I wondered if I could really ever get over this. Over myself. I tried my best to hide from myself. Even in my mind. It was so dark and ugly and broken that I would just silence it in an attempt to ‘keep pushing’ and "be what God wanted me to be". (Not realizing He just wanted me as I am, and we could work through the rest).

Every. Area. Of my life. Was in shambles.

I could barely take care of myself. I often feared maybe my mental health was so severe that I just needed to be hospitalized (again, and for longer). Honestly, I was scared way more than I’d like to admit that if anybody could really see how I was living and what my mind was like it would be grounds for IVC--again.

Like, I truly felt crazy sometimes. Sometimes, I really felt like I was losing my mind. My relationship with God deep down was a mess. I couldn’t trust Him. I was resentful toward Him and frustrated. I was fearful of Him and terribly paranoid. I secretly felt rejected by God... you know? I felt like He was playing a sneaky game with me.

I was living a double life. On purpose and on accident. I wasn’t trying to be fraudulent, I was just trying to keep it together. But now. (this is where you get your shout in, tbh).

NOW?? Geez.

I’m literally like a different person.

I still have things I gotta improve on, but I am blown away by how far God has allowed me to come, how much healing and deliverance has taken place, how much freedom I have and actually get to experience, and how much God has taught me.

I used to detest this whole ‘process’ thing God loves to do, because I’m like: I know you’re also the God of ‘suddenlies’, so why are you playing with me... Why are you allowing me to suffer. I understand things better now, though that's an entire post for another time.

What I do realize more strongly is that despite opposition or blunders or even pain, God has called me to be one of His children that He uses to bring healing and deliverance. To empower. I had to LEARN—not just experience relief. I had to CHANGE—not just be changed. I had to UNDERSTAND—not just get a miracle.

Whoever you are & wherever you are, reading this and feeling like you get it or you understand or this is you I’m talking about too: God was thinking of you my whole life, throughout my whole process. It’s not about me, only. God already knew He was gonna bring me out and make me new. He knew He wasn’t gonna let the suicide attempt succeed, and He wasn’t gonna let me lose my mind or settle for mediocrity in life to feel a fake sense of ease.

Now, I can say like David that it really was good that I was afflicted.

Marie MFT